Going to the bathroom, especially in a corporate environment where a “shared” restroom is used, can be an uncomfortable experience for everyone. Using the bathroom next to the same people you sit in meetings with can seem as unnatural as showering with you mom. But rest assured, your behavior and etiquette in the corporate restroom doesn’t go unnoticed, and may even be discussed among co-workers. As a matter of self-preservation, you never want to be known for ANYTHING you do in the office bathroom. The moment you are associated with some odd bathroom behavior, you can kiss your professional reputation goodbye.

So, how do you behave in the restroom? What is the proper etiquette for taking a dump, choosing a stall, taking a piss next to your boss, or even washing your hands? Luckily, we’ve compiled this survival guide to help you navigate the complexities of using the corporate restroom and preserving both your career and your reputation. Read on, and don’t forget to share your experiences.

Pooping at Work

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles (or offices) and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

• FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If here are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

• ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. Note: OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS are proud of their Escapee’s as well.

• JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

• COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

• WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist…… can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

• OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. You will often catch OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER'S farting as they use the urinal.  The most extreme case of an Out of the Closet Pooper is a guy who poops with the stall door OPEN.

• SAFE HAVENS: Seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

• TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.  When this situation occurs, you have been "BURGLED".

• CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. A CAMO-COUGH is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

• ASTAIRE: Similar to a CAMO-COUGH, an ASTAIRE is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

• WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This can be an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

• HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water….. often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough combined with an Astaire to create as much cover as possible.

• UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. An Uncle Ted spends extended lengths of time in front of the mirror, washing their hands or sitting on the toilet. Nobody likes and Uncle Ted. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult for others to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Farting at Work

• CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

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